I know it’s a moose, but it’s better than a stag

Hello sailors! 3 day week for me this week. My brother from another mother is getting married soon so it’s his stag do this weekend. Off to Manchester for the weekend for some serious drinking and Portsmouth supporting. Don’t want that lot from down Sandwell in the FA Cup final now do we? We’re staying in a plush hotel right by Deansgate Locks so provides ideal access to various swanky watering holes and other amenities such as off licenses and betting offices. No doubt we will probably end up in a “gentlemans club” at some point too, which personally, I don’t see the fascintaion with. Why people want to  watch some girl gyrate about the place then run off with your money is beyond me.

I’m sat here thinking of something to gripe about, but you know what? I can’t think of anything. This is a first. I think it’s because I knew I had a short week this week so nothing has really got on my nerves. I’m sure this positive feeling won’t last long though.

Also on a positive note - the clocks have gone forward. I really love this time of year. The buildup to summer and the nights staying light for longer. Beer garden weather is nearly hear ladies and gents! 

Greatest Moment of 2008 so far - MY CAR IS FINALLY SOLD

Unbelieveable. After months and months of trying - and heafty advertising fees - my car is finally sold. I ended up having to take a fair bit less than I wanted but at least it is gone now and not going to cause me any more stress or cost me any more money. To say I am happy is an understatement.

The same day, I replaced it with an absoultely fantastic BMW 323i coupe which is in pristine condition. It was slightly more expensive than most cars its age but it is by far the cleanest example I have seen in a long time. This picture doesn’t do it justice plus I had just driven it 90 miles back in terrible weather so it got dirty

Unfortunately, due to unfathomably idiotic policies at the DVLA, it is still sat on my drive and I have had to get the stinking train, tram and shanks’s pony to get to work the last 3 days.

I have transferred the insurance to my name and I have sent the log book off, all I need to do now is to tax it - easier said than done so it seems. Woe betide anyone who dares pay their road tax slightly late - you will be publically flogged, fined 7 squillion pounds, then left to rot in jail for the rest of your days. I am actually TRYING to tax my car and I have been told point blank that I can’t. This is because:

• To tax it at the post office I need an insurance cover note - which hasn’t arrived yet. And for some hair brained reason they won’t accept a faxed copy from the insurer
• To tax it over the phone the DVLA need to have processed my log book - which I am told can take up to 3 weeks.

I telephoned the DVLA and explained the situation, and I was told that I could proceed no further as they have not processed my log book and there was absolutely no way round it. When I enquired as to why this was the case, I was told that it is because without doing this they won’t have an address to send the tax disk out to! Seriously, you could not make it up. I am on the phone, talking to the tax person and they say I cannot tax my car as they don’t have an address to send the tax disk out to. When I offered to provide one over the phone, I was spoken to as though I had suggested that the operator was an illegitimate child.

Proof, if ever it was needed, that unless there is a tick box for it on a form, Government departments are unable to do anything about anything at all

It’s robot or India - take your pick

I’m just about fed up with trying to contact any form of large company. Banks are the worst offenders in this case - most noteably, Lloyds TSB.

To start with, you get the automated system that makes you talk at it and type in 4.2 billion sets of numbers, account details, shoe size etc etc etc. Once you have done that, 9.999 trillion times out of 10 trillion, it will not recognise the information you entered and boot you out of the system and into some other automated service which will present you with 496 options and sub-options whereby each one links you back into the automated system you have just been ejected from.

If you are lucky (or unlucky, in this case) enough to get through to speak to a real person, then you will have found that your call has been beamed half way round the world to some call centre where they have only just learnt how to speak English and speak in that now increasingly familiar monotone that sounds like the ruddy automated service you just came from - and they are always overly pleasant. Don’t get me wrong, I like pleasant people but over-pleasantness is too much.

My latest experience beggars belief……….

My partner lost her job earlier this year so we ran into difficulty paying the credit card bill. The account got passed to collections and it turns out that collections is actually another name for the Delhi Harrasment Squad. I appreciate I have to pay bills on time, but I contacted the bank, explained the situation and said that the full bill can be settled in a matter of weeks once my partner starts her new job and gets paid. Happy days. I then start getting what only can be described as harrassed, by some overly polite monotonous chap who’s only English words in his vocabulary were “token” and “payement”. Pretty much every day this chump would call my land line (as I barred the number on my mobile) at exactly the same time in the evening and insist I make a “token payment”. After explaining the situation to him 376 times and being completely ignored I started to get quite cross.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when time came to settle the debt (the same date as I agreed with the bank initially may I add), I rang up and offered my debit card details so the payment could be processed. Low and behold, monotonous “token payment” man proceeded to tell me that he could not accept my card as form of payment for one completely idiotic reason or another. He spends weeks blatantly harrassing me, then as soon as I phone up to pay my debt of my own accord he says I can’t pay it! It really does beggar belief.

Could this finally be the week?

That I manage to offload my car for good?

It was meant to be going in the bargain pages on Friday but it seems they forgot/couldn’t be bothered to list it. If it does sell, then this weekend will be taken up with trawling round here there and everywhere looking for a new car. I actually despise car shopping, such a pain in the backside.

So if anyone is selling a BWM E36 shape coupe (320 or 323 models) then I might need to speak to you later this week (hopefully)

Vote Wibble Party!

After yesterdays political (kind of) related nonsence, I thought about what I could do to make this country a better place. If I were to get elected to Number 10, here is a taste of what life would be like (extracts from my manifesto)

1. America’s “3 strike” legal system would be brought in with immediate effect
2.  Forget targetting immigrants for now as the main culprit for cheating the benefits system, we would start right at home with kicking all the lazy clampets who have never done an honest days work in their lives, right up the backside and they either get a job or they are draghted into the armed forces
3. “I’ve got a bad back” will no longer be an acceptable excuse for not having a job. There are plenty of things you could do even with a bad back
4. National Service would be brought back - mainly for young offenders
5. Drinking, smoking and driving ages will be raised to 21

And some more “out there” ideas that you never know, might make it

1.  Road tax for any vehicle larger than a car would be increased to £3,000,000 a week (except for the emergency service vehicles, DHL vans and beer delivery lorries)
2. It will be illegal to support any other football/rugby team than that of the town you were born in. If you were born in a town/village without a team, you will support the team who’s home stadium is nearest to your place of birth. “My dads sisters mothers uncles mates milkmans aunties windowcleaner was once a ball boy for Manchester United” is not a valid explanation as to why you support Man U when you live in Plymouth you glory hunter!
3. It will be illegal to support Chelsea altogether
4. There will be hourly patrols on the street by the “Chav pound” and any stray chavs will be taken away
5. Hull will be flattened and turned into a giant theme park
6. The national press will be forced to report on things other than what goes on in London
7. In fact, London will be demoted to second city. Birmingham will be made capital of England, it’s much more sensible as it is in the middle of the country
8. Hollyoaks will be banned
9. The perineum will be renamed “the gooch”
10. Pritchard from Dirty Sanchez will be knighted
11. Fax machines will be made obsolete, as will cheques
12. Rugby will be renamed “Egg Chasing”
13. “Chav flogging” will be introduced as half time entertainment at the football (idea pinched from Talk Sport phone in)

That’s all the nonsence i can think of now. Feel free to add your own in the comments section