Vote Wibble Party!

After yesterdays political (kind of) related nonsence, I thought about what I could do to make this country a better place. If I were to get elected to Number 10, here is a taste of what life would be like (extracts from my manifesto)

1. America’s “3 strike” legal system would be brought in with immediate effect
2.  Forget targetting immigrants for now as the main culprit for cheating the benefits system, we would start right at home with kicking all the lazy clampets who have never done an honest days work in their lives, right up the backside and they either get a job or they are draghted into the armed forces
3. “I’ve got a bad back” will no longer be an acceptable excuse for not having a job. There are plenty of things you could do even with a bad back
4. National Service would be brought back - mainly for young offenders
5. Drinking, smoking and driving ages will be raised to 21

And some more “out there” ideas that you never know, might make it

1.  Road tax for any vehicle larger than a car would be increased to £3,000,000 a week (except for the emergency service vehicles, DHL vans and beer delivery lorries)
2. It will be illegal to support any other football/rugby team than that of the town you were born in. If you were born in a town/village without a team, you will support the team who’s home stadium is nearest to your place of birth. “My dads sisters mothers uncles mates milkmans aunties windowcleaner was once a ball boy for Manchester United” is not a valid explanation as to why you support Man U when you live in Plymouth you glory hunter!
3. It will be illegal to support Chelsea altogether
4. There will be hourly patrols on the street by the “Chav pound” and any stray chavs will be taken away
5. Hull will be flattened and turned into a giant theme park
6. The national press will be forced to report on things other than what goes on in London
7. In fact, London will be demoted to second city. Birmingham will be made capital of England, it’s much more sensible as it is in the middle of the country
8. Hollyoaks will be banned
9. The perineum will be renamed “the gooch”
10. Pritchard from Dirty Sanchez will be knighted
11. Fax machines will be made obsolete, as will cheques
12. Rugby will be renamed “Egg Chasing”
13. “Chav flogging” will be introduced as half time entertainment at the football (idea pinched from Talk Sport phone in)

That’s all the nonsence i can think of now. Feel free to add your own in the comments section

Master stroke by The Government

For once, I am delighted with a scheme that the Government is putting into practice - although not fully, but I will come to this later.

Much fuss has been made about the Low Emissions Zone, which is due to come into force on Monday in central London. Now I am not an eco-warrior, but this is possibly the best idea in the history of ever, AND could help you live longer. Not due to breathing clean and fresh air, but from stopping you from feeding yourself into a wood-chipper in frustration at being held up in traffic by the main group of vehicles this policy will outlaw - lorries and suchlike.

I do however, think this scheme needs to be rolled out nationwide and should be enforced on the following vehicles:

• Lorries
• White vans of any description
• Chelsea tractors
• Those obscenely oversized pickup trucks generally driven by men with a”Napolean” complex

The penalty for flouting the law will be 400 years in jail sharing a cell with a 20 stone man who likes to be called Annabelle.

Just think of the stress it would relieve and I believe it would cut down road rage massively. As well as this it would help save the planet too.

As a footnote on saving the planet, I believe hybrid cars that only output water as “waste” are a dreadful idea as it would pump umpteen zillion gallons more water into the water cycle - hence - it would rain solidly for the rest of time. But that’s another can of worms altogether.

To save some time……..

While we are on the subject of underachieving football teams, to save the Red Tops a lot of hassle, time and ink, let’s clear the latest transfer rumours up:

Newcastle United have been linked with every single player on the face of this earth in an attempt to revive their season.

History FC

Now. I have long had issues about Liverpool and the recent goings on both on and off the field have just made me feel more strongly about them.

Granted, they are one of the most succesful English teams of all time, but, I think in modern day football (by modern i mean 1990 onwards) their fans have delusions of grandeur. In the past 18 years, they have managed to win just a handful of pots - 3 of which being the League Cup which doesn’t count for teams in the “big 4″ of the Premiership (my blog - I make the rules). They have also never won the Premier League since it started. Ok, they won the Champions League - but that was an act of God, but still, as I am fair, I will acknowledge that as a monumental achievement.

Now, all this nonsence about the American owners dilly dallying about what they intend to do with the club has created a convenient smokescreen, and also - i feel - saved Rafa Benitez from the bacon slicer. For some reason unbeknown to me, Liverpool fans still back this guy. He has been given umpteen millions of pounds to spend to get Liverpool the Premiership or the Champions League again, and he has done absolutely bugger all apart from grow a crap goatee. Liverpool are miles off the pace in the Premiership and I can’t see them doing much better in the Champions League. This is his last chance surely, if he doesn’t deliver a decent pot this season (and I don’t think the FA Cup would be good enough judging by the amount of money he has shovelled down the drain) then surely he has to go?

Weekend deconstruction

Another weekend done and dusted and a pretty decent one it turned out to be too. Nice and cheap and cheerful yet I was fully entertained for most of the weekend.

Friday: Cheap and cheerful one round Casa Don Fringe - although the Don half of Don Fringe was nowhere to be seen. Fun was had by all playing Wario Smooth Moves on the Wii - one hell of a wierd and crazy game may I add - and also Guitar Hero 3 on the 360. Had never played any of the Guitar Hero games before but thought it was quality. I do consider myself addicted now and will be purchasing it WHEN my XBOX is mended - which may be never, i am having to come to terms with the fact that it may have to be put down. Myself and Ant also took great delight in beating Aaron and Vikki on Pro Evo. He hates losing, that boy.

Saturday: Saturday started off rather slowly due to alcohol consumption the night before. Eventually I pulled my head out my backside and headed into town to get set up for our night. We set ourselves a reasonable target for the takings for the evening and I was delighted that we hit them. Considering it’s the last week before pay week - and it’s January - we were happy with how many people showed up to the night. Not quite as busy as the birthday event in December, but not far off none the less. Feeback has been excellent and early interest in our next night in February - Jackin Off: The Pirates of Chi Town - has been phenominal. We have very high hopes of another capacity night in February. Great to see Jay Marks and Euge made the trip over on Saturday too. All in all, a top weekend.

Oh, and to start the week off, I just ordered 2 of these……

and 1 of these…….